Mommy Wars

*Overheard at a local shopping mall, in a kid's play area:*

Mommy 1: “Maggie is doing so well at preschool!  She is really starting to get a hang of reading, and she is such a little artist!  She brings home a new painting every week!  I'm running out of room on the fridge."

Mommy 2:  "I know just what you mean!  Sarah is counting to 30 now and just seems to be learning new words every day!  Her French tutor says she will be able to pass as a native speaker when she gets older!"

Mommy 1: "Where did you say Sarah is going to school these days?"

Mommy 2: "We have her enrolled in My Kid is Special University.  They have a really wonderful program."

Mommy 1: "Oh... Yeah we looked at their program as a backup but felt it wasn't really challenging enough, you know what I mean? Mommy Smiths son Tommy goes there and he isn't very good at playing with others.  That's why we put Maggie in My Kid Is Better than Yours Day School.  Their waitlist was long, but we put her name on the week after she was born."

*The conversation goes awkwardly silent and a few minutes later the Mommies are graced with the presence of their daughters, both of whom look to be about 3 1/2.  One has snot running down her face, the other has extraordinarily messy hair and chocolate all over her shirt.*

This encounter really got me thinking.  Obviously I altered the names of the schools, but the rest of the exchange is practically verbatim.  At first I was shocked and a little embarrassed to be overhearing this conversation.  Then after I had gotten myself and my son as far away from the "one-upping" as possible and we were on the way home, I started thinking about everything that had been said (and implied) and realized I hear conversations like these all the times.  Thankfully, very few are had with me, since most of my friends don't have kids yet!

Mommies, (and parents in general) are so busy making sure everyone knows how perfect their children are, they constantly create these environments where everything is a competition.  I mean, a little bit of healthy competition is good for kids, but only when they are old enough, and when it is based on their own abilities, rather than their parents.  It's great to be proud of your kid, but when your pride is based on your kid being better than someone else's it becomes dangerous.  What happens when you come across that kid who is actually smarter than yours, or better at something?  Does that mean you lose?  And if you lose, whose fault is it really, yours or your child's?  I mean, the 3 year old who hasn't proved to be a child prodigy (yet) can hardly be held accountable for their parents’ unreasonable expectations.

It doesn’t help that there are those myths floating around about those super human children.  You know, the ones who are potty trained by 1 ½ and teach themselves to read at 3.  These are the same kids who by 5 are fluent in 3 languages and later on in life graduate high school at age 15.  While I’m sure these kids exist, they aren’t the norm, and you probably shouldn’t expect your child to be that “one in a million”.

Kids all develop at different rates, just like they grow at different speeds.  Some kids start talking early and never stop.  Some don't start talking till much later, but when they do they start with full sentences.  Nothing is wrong in either case.  Until a doctor is worried, it really isn’t something to stress about.  Another biggie is potty training.  My son will be 3 in April and it has been a LOOOOONG battle to get him into "big boy underpants" as they are referred to in my house.  He still isn't 100% there, but even my own mother was pressuring me to get on it.  The problem is, when kids don't want to do something, they don't.  It's that simple.  You can put them in a pull up and bribe them with treats, but until it clicks for them you are just banging your head on a brick wall trying to make them cooperate (and you will be cleaning up a lot of messes).

Of course one of the biggest battles being fought in the Mommy Wars is not what makes your kid better, but what makes you better as a mommy.  The fight rages on over the stay at home mom's versus the moms who work outside the home.  People get so vocally negative about the choice others make in their own homes, as if there is only one right way to do things.  I'm not sure that there will ever be a consensus on what is right, but hopefully as time marches on and more and more households with Mom as the sole bread winner emerge, or a stay at home Dad’s get more common, there will at least be a movement to let everyone make their decision without fear of reprisal.

Then there is the "mother" of all confrontations.  This one seems to be more regional, but is a hot button issue wherever you give birth.  To breast feed or not to breast feed.  I gave birth to Jack in a smallish town in Central California.  At our hospital, there wasn't an option to "opt out" of nursing.  The nurses make sure to teach you and reteach you several times a day all the ways to get your baby to nurse properly.  Before they let you leave the hospital they will make sure you plan on nursing, and give you plenty of resources should you get home and have difficulties (or second thoughts).   I'm not sure what would happen if you flat out refused, but I can imagine it wouldn't go over well.  They will guilt you into believing the only way to ensure your baby doesn't spend their childhood fighting off every illness imaginable is to nurse.  Not saying there is anything wrong with nursing, by all means, if you are able and wanting to nurse, do!  It's great for bonding, and there are some additional health benefits (not to mention nursing mother burn tons of calories just by feeding their offspring!).  However if it's not for you, or for whatever reason it just doesn’t work, don't let anyone make you feel like you are a bad mom for turning to formula instead. 

It really amazes me when I think about how often mothers take the opportunity to criticize rather than sympathize with their peers and the woes of parenting.  I feel like this type of judgmental behavior spills over onto the way we raise our kids, and they in turn become judgmental little people, without even an understanding that there is more than one way to do things, more than one way to live, more than one "right" choice.  With that in mind, I am making it my goal this year to make sure that as my son gets older I continue to raise him to be understanding and accepting rather than critical and narrow minded.  I want to make sure I support him whether he is the smartest kid in the class or not, and even if he decides he doesn't want to wear his "big boy underpants" I hope he knows I'm proud of him anyway.